(August 2015)
“Please welcome our next guest. On Monday night, he returns to the anchor desk at NBC Nightly News after a six-month suspension. He’s one of our favorite guests, and we’ve missed him. Give it up for … Brian Williams!”
(The Roots play “Liar, Liar” as the audience applauds.)
“It’s good to see you, Brian. How are you doing?”
“Fine, Jimmy. Before I do anything else, I just want to thank everybody for their expression of support for me during these difficult times. I especially want to thank the people who started the hashtag #JeSuisBrian.”
“Um, nobody did that, Brian.”
“Gee, I was hoping you would have had me on the show to slow jam the news of my suspension. I could have read the official NBC statement in my news anchor voice while you kept saying things like, ‘Oh…yeah…When Brian lies, it’s a whopper, baby.’”
“The NBC executives said you weren’t allowed to appear on our show during the six months. Besides, under the circumstances, it would be undignified to have you narrate the cratering of your reputation while I coo double-entendres.”
“Yes, I can see your point, Jimmy.”
“But anyway, Brian, tell us what you’ve been doing with your six months off.”
“Glad you asked. First, I talked to my good friend Bill Belichick, the coach of the New England Patriots, before the Super Bowl, and he said, ‘You know, Brian, we’re a little short in the defensive backfield, but you look in reasonably good shape. You’re smart and I’m sure you can read defensive schemes. Why don’t you suit up?’ I said, ‘Are you sure, Coach?’ He said, ‘With all of the fuss about Deflate Gate, I figure we need someone with an unimpeachable reputation.’”
“Wait, Brian, I don’t think that really …”
“So anyway, it was late in the game. We had a four-point lead but the Seahawks were marching toward the winning touchdown. There were 26 seconds left, they were on the one-yard line, and everybody in the stadium thought they would just give the ball to Marshawn Lynch. But when I saw the Seattle formation, I immediately knew that they were going to run a slant pattern because I had seen this formation in practice. So as soon as the ball was snapped, I raced toward the goal line, cut in front of the receiver, and intercepted the pass, saving the Super Bowl for…”
“Brian, that didn’t happen. It was Malcolm Butler who intercepted the pass.”
“Was it? Oh. I’m sorry. I made a mistake in recalling the events of six months ago and I want to apologize to my audience and to the New England Patriots.”
“I’m glad you’ve seen the error of your ways. What else have you been up to?”
“On the way back from the Super Bowl, I stopped in Alabama to visit my old friend Harper Lee. I told her, ‘I know you value your privacy, Nelle – all of her close friends call her Nelle - but this manuscript you gave me is really good and should be published.’ She told me, ‘Really? I’ve been on the fence about it but your opinion is the most important…”
“Stop it, Brian. That didn’t happen.”
“Anyway, a week later, I’m sitting in the front row at the Grammys. And I hear Prince announce, “The winner of the Grammy for Best Album is … Brian Williams for Morning Phase!” I run up on the stage with a big smile on my face because first, this is a life-long dream to win a Grammy but also because second, it’s my dear friend Prince giving it to me. And just as he hands me the award, I see Kanye West running up on stage and …”
“No, Brian, that didn’t happen. It was Beck that won the award and got bum-rushed by Kanye. Not you.”
“Oh. I’m sorry. I want to apologize to Beck for a bungled attempt by me to …”
“OK, we get it. Let’s try something else. Being home for six months must have given you a lot of special time with Mrs. Williams, am I right?”
“I have to be honest, Jimmy. I’ve strayed.”
“No! I’m so sorry to hear that. I can’t believe you’re admitting this on national television.”
“Well, if there is one lesson I’ve learned over the last six months, it’s to be totally honest. What happened was that there was this young man. He was so handsome, I couldn’t resist. Next thing you know, we’re in my kitchen. I have to tell you, it was the most pleasurable experience in my life. I’m standing there with my pants off, and then I bend over the sink, shoving my naked ass in front of him. And then he sticks his face between my butt cheeks, takes his tongue and sticks it in …”
“No, no, Brian, for God’s sake, that did not happen. That was your daughter on an episode of the HBO series Girls. That wasn’t you.”
“Really? Next thing you’re going to tell me is that my daughter flew to Neverland, not me.”
“It was your daughter. She starred in the NBC production of Peter Pan.”
“And Captain Hook didn’t fire an RPG at me?”
“No, Brian. He didn’t. I think I’ve heard enough. Let’s move on. My next guest is the star of the new series Better Call Saul. It’s on AMC every …”
“Hey, Jimmy, did I ever tell you about the time I was stuck out in the New Mexico desert with a crazy meth dealer?”
